02.13.14
I have a huge ass. All my friends will tell you. If you've ever seen me onstage, then I'VE told you, but you may not have been listening. Because I have some "friends" that do that - don't listen, I mean. I'm pretty sure they have ADD because that's what I tell people that I have when I completely blank out on what they're saying all the time!
Recently I went to watch the fantastic HBO show 'Girls' at a dear friend's house and she's addicted to reality t.v. so we had to watch a bit of 'Keeping Up With the Kardashians', which isn't as difficult as the show would lead you to believe. Pretty much the hardest part is dragging all that fucking camera equipment up 276 marble-coated stairs (they're marble coated because money's tight).
Of course, whose ass should come into play but the two Kardashian sisters who have asses of which to speak. There was a lot of doubt in the room as to whether or not their asses were 'real', to which I replied "haha, yeah; real expensive!". Then we all 'oooo'd like an Oprah crowd, high-fived, then sipped on our cosmopolitans.
We didn't do that. Thankfully. I love those women but if that was how we spent those evenings I'd drink the nail polish remover.
Instead, we contemplated, we questioned, we sought the truth and in the end, my dear friend made some pretty compelling arguments;
1. Only two of the 17 Kardashian children have plump, round, bodacious booties; mysterious, right? What happened to the other 23 offspring? Where are their asses?
2. My dear friend has a series of 'before and after' shots that she assured us would solidify her conspiracy theory.
With all that talk of asses, my mind felt like it was encased in silicone, which is as comfortable as it sounds. But it turns out I was smoking weed so I stopped feeling so poetic about it.
What's important is, big asses are the shit. But even if you don't have a big ass, you still use it to shit. We all do. And that doesn't make it any less beautiful. Please take care and clean your beautiful ass, even if it says 'self cleaning' on the package.
Thursday, February 13, 2014
Friday, February 7, 2014
Knee-High Boots; Sexy Leg Burqas.
02.04.14
*Author's Note: This was intended to be published on Monday. That's why it's mentioned right off the top. It's no longer Monday, but I'm the author so I can pre or post date the shit out of my entries. For this article's sake, it is Monday evening. I have just come home from work and am probably perturbed about life in general as I've let myself sink into the pessimistic mindset that follows most Monday work days. I'll come into the apartment, have a short chat with the spouse, then probably exercise. Maybe - it's Monday, who the fuck knows; maybe I don't feel it that day. Maybe.....no, I definitely worked out - it was my first day at the gym. My free 30 day trial. And I don't plan on telling them who I am until the very last day. I'm going to see if I can wait out the dude who sits in the office and looks at me when he thinks I'm not looking; not because he finds me attractive (that can NOT be it - not in my version of gym clothes), but because he keeps wondering if I'm the woman he's leaving voice messages for who just flat out refuses to pick up the phone or call him back. On second thought, I think he wants to fuck me on the treadmill.
This morning I had a really critical decision to make. First of all, it's Monday. The first day of the week. The first impression you make on Monday, is the only impression anyone will have of you for the following 5 days, because your co-workers are cruel and shallow and don't care about you as a person so much as what you're wearing. I'm just trying to save you from the false security you've created based on what the magazines and t.v. are telling you.
Luckily, my coworkers are better than that *wink*; regardless, I'm shallow. I want to look good. Especially when I've pushed my wake-up time to its limits so I don't wake up in time to wash my body, let alone my hair. To top it all off, I like to done the blackest stocking cap I own so basically, I go to work looking like I'm going to carry out an after-work-time robbery.
Do you know why burqas are sexy? Mystery. They aren't giving anything away. How is that not sexy? If you're arguing with me on this, I can't hear you, so shut up.
Knee-high boots are like burqas for your legs. They shroud it in a synthetic leather or suede that covers just enough and you have to wonder; what is she hiding?
I've really only recently discovered this joy and will be using it to find happiness for the remainder of winter. I'm admitting to you right now, I'm using it in one of my stand-up sets. Will it go over? I have no way of knowing. All I know is, it makes me laugh and that's pretty much why I do stand-up in the first place.
*Author's Note: This was intended to be published on Monday. That's why it's mentioned right off the top. It's no longer Monday, but I'm the author so I can pre or post date the shit out of my entries. For this article's sake, it is Monday evening. I have just come home from work and am probably perturbed about life in general as I've let myself sink into the pessimistic mindset that follows most Monday work days. I'll come into the apartment, have a short chat with the spouse, then probably exercise. Maybe - it's Monday, who the fuck knows; maybe I don't feel it that day. Maybe.....no, I definitely worked out - it was my first day at the gym. My free 30 day trial. And I don't plan on telling them who I am until the very last day. I'm going to see if I can wait out the dude who sits in the office and looks at me when he thinks I'm not looking; not because he finds me attractive (that can NOT be it - not in my version of gym clothes), but because he keeps wondering if I'm the woman he's leaving voice messages for who just flat out refuses to pick up the phone or call him back. On second thought, I think he wants to fuck me on the treadmill.
This morning I had a really critical decision to make. First of all, it's Monday. The first day of the week. The first impression you make on Monday, is the only impression anyone will have of you for the following 5 days, because your co-workers are cruel and shallow and don't care about you as a person so much as what you're wearing. I'm just trying to save you from the false security you've created based on what the magazines and t.v. are telling you.
Luckily, my coworkers are better than that *wink*; regardless, I'm shallow. I want to look good. Especially when I've pushed my wake-up time to its limits so I don't wake up in time to wash my body, let alone my hair. To top it all off, I like to done the blackest stocking cap I own so basically, I go to work looking like I'm going to carry out an after-work-time robbery.
Do you know why burqas are sexy? Mystery. They aren't giving anything away. How is that not sexy? If you're arguing with me on this, I can't hear you, so shut up.
Knee-high boots are like burqas for your legs. They shroud it in a synthetic leather or suede that covers just enough and you have to wonder; what is she hiding?
I've really only recently discovered this joy and will be using it to find happiness for the remainder of winter. I'm admitting to you right now, I'm using it in one of my stand-up sets. Will it go over? I have no way of knowing. All I know is, it makes me laugh and that's pretty much why I do stand-up in the first place.
Sunday, February 2, 2014
'80's Trivial Pursuit; the Light on Conspiracy
02.02.14
Have you ever played the '80's version of Trivial Pursuit? If you have, you may have gotten this enlightening little tidbit of information; Amygdalin was a test-drug for cancer in the 1982 that was discontinued because it contained the lethal poison, potassium cyanide. In the same year, some lunatic poisoned Tylenol Extra Strength and it ended up killing 7 people in Chicago. What do you suppose was that poison? I really hope you guessed potassium cyanide because, I mean...pretty obvious (my friend Rishika had to give me a pretty big hint so don't feel TOO bad if you had a silly guess at first).
Naturally, this warranted a conspiracy theory. To those of you who were born after the '80's, it was a tense time in the country (much like the 70's, 60's, 50's, etc.). Tensions with Russia were mounting to what would be a very confusing and probably one of the most bad-ass wars in history. No, war is not cool. I'm not condoning war. I'm just saying - spies were never cooler or deadlier than during the Cold War.
The Cold War didn't just "happen"; it would seem it was kind of a 'world war' but with the word 'cold'. It was what took over when World War II was getting tired. People were like "genocide is unsettling and very, very wrong. We're sick of having to actually see the war as it happens"; and the Cold War was born.
When many think 'Cold War' they think spies. Spies, spies, everywhere - wait, is that a spy? Haha!Get it? How would you know!?
Spies were the basis of every 80's movie - this includes 'Breakfast Club' and 'Say Anything'. You couldn't go anywhere in the 80's without having to worry that the person hiding behind that newspaper was going to lower it menacingly as you walked out of the coffee shop with your purchase. In this time of tension & mistrust, how could the government get anyone to volunteer for their spy-games tactics?
This is where the cyanide poisoning gets conspiracy theoried (that is my tribute to the podcast 'Stuff They Don't Want You to Know'; give it a a listen).
The level at which the CIA would need to use in order to kill a person on the side of the enemy wasn't something you'd get a lot of sign-ups for. Even drug addicts and mental-patients-forced-homeless wouldn't put their scratch on that pad! So, why wouldn't the government just, you know, use it's own? The theory is that the CIA put various amounts of cyanide in various drugs to test the fatal levels. For the cancer drug, it wasn't a lot. A smaller amount was used in the cancer-treatment drug so it didn't kill the "test subjects", but it did make all but one of their tumors grow. As for the Tylenol Extra Strength? Well, if the theory is true, then someone one the inside of the factory was paid to lace a batch of headache relief with what some would consider the ultimate relief. That's death, by the way. Which means that whatever that amount was was clearly much too high.
The things you get from a game of '80's Trivial Pursuit are so much more than you ever expected. If you want to play a game, hit me up.
Have you ever played the '80's version of Trivial Pursuit? If you have, you may have gotten this enlightening little tidbit of information; Amygdalin was a test-drug for cancer in the 1982 that was discontinued because it contained the lethal poison, potassium cyanide. In the same year, some lunatic poisoned Tylenol Extra Strength and it ended up killing 7 people in Chicago. What do you suppose was that poison? I really hope you guessed potassium cyanide because, I mean...pretty obvious (my friend Rishika had to give me a pretty big hint so don't feel TOO bad if you had a silly guess at first).
Naturally, this warranted a conspiracy theory. To those of you who were born after the '80's, it was a tense time in the country (much like the 70's, 60's, 50's, etc.). Tensions with Russia were mounting to what would be a very confusing and probably one of the most bad-ass wars in history. No, war is not cool. I'm not condoning war. I'm just saying - spies were never cooler or deadlier than during the Cold War.
The Cold War didn't just "happen"; it would seem it was kind of a 'world war' but with the word 'cold'. It was what took over when World War II was getting tired. People were like "genocide is unsettling and very, very wrong. We're sick of having to actually see the war as it happens"; and the Cold War was born.
When many think 'Cold War' they think spies. Spies, spies, everywhere - wait, is that a spy? Haha!Get it? How would you know!?
Spies were the basis of every 80's movie - this includes 'Breakfast Club' and 'Say Anything'. You couldn't go anywhere in the 80's without having to worry that the person hiding behind that newspaper was going to lower it menacingly as you walked out of the coffee shop with your purchase. In this time of tension & mistrust, how could the government get anyone to volunteer for their spy-games tactics?
This is where the cyanide poisoning gets conspiracy theoried (that is my tribute to the podcast 'Stuff They Don't Want You to Know'; give it a a listen).
The level at which the CIA would need to use in order to kill a person on the side of the enemy wasn't something you'd get a lot of sign-ups for. Even drug addicts and mental-patients-forced-homeless wouldn't put their scratch on that pad! So, why wouldn't the government just, you know, use it's own? The theory is that the CIA put various amounts of cyanide in various drugs to test the fatal levels. For the cancer drug, it wasn't a lot. A smaller amount was used in the cancer-treatment drug so it didn't kill the "test subjects", but it did make all but one of their tumors grow. As for the Tylenol Extra Strength? Well, if the theory is true, then someone one the inside of the factory was paid to lace a batch of headache relief with what some would consider the ultimate relief. That's death, by the way. Which means that whatever that amount was was clearly much too high.
The things you get from a game of '80's Trivial Pursuit are so much more than you ever expected. If you want to play a game, hit me up.
Friday, January 31, 2014
'Africa' by Toto (a.k.a 'More Than a Feeling' by Boston)
01.31.14
For no reason should the song ‘Africa’ by Toto have anything less than an entire article devoted to its greatness. No, I did not misspeak; I said it’s greatness.
A few months ago, when winter was starting to become a real cunt about things, my spouse and our dear friend and comedian companion, Rishika, and I were driving to the QC (Quad Cities) to visit some more dear friends. Jake, my spouse, had been spending time working on mixes of the greatest songs of all time and he had one of these mixes blasting as we sped along the highway.
On came what I considered to be the greatest song of all time; ‘More Than a Feeling’ by Boston. Oh my god...have you heard that song!? If you are struggling to think of the song then hold your place here, go to Youtube, and get your fix. You will probably want to watch it way more than one time so luckily, this article will still be here when you get back.
Okay, back? Great. Or, thank you for reading, whichever is appropriate.
So, pretty amazing, yes? Absolutely. Everything, just everything, about that song is amazing! The beginning verse is so soft, you’re not sure what you’ve just gotten yourself into. You’re skeptical; “really? This is what’s so great?”. But you give it a minute because you can feel it; you can feel the magic unfolding in your deep insides. Suddenly, there’s a crescendo that’s exquisitely introduced as such that you’re not even aware you’re riding it until you hear;
“I closed my eeeeeyes and I slipped awaaaaaayyyyyyyyyeeee”
AND THEN YOU’RE THERE!
And everything is perfect. It’s just perfect. I guarantee, if you’ve heard this song, you are either singing it to yourself or in your head, or you’re searching frantically for the album you swear it’s on! Only to find it’s not on there and you actually don’t have that album and you happen to be one of those people who still don’t know how to use the internet so you are freaking out!
Relax! Just keep reading.
Because this isn’t about Boston. Or ‘More Than a Feeling’.
It’s about the little song that won me over.
After ‘More Than a Feeling’ ended, I swore there was no song on the planet that would beat that sweet ear candy (i.e. ear cocaine).
This is when the little diddy, ‘Africa’, cued up. When it started, my initial reaction was “oh my god - this song suuuucks!”. Good lord...I am not proud of that moment. I’m really not. But I’d never heard it outside of a grocery store and I always just thought it was really funny because kids don’t understand music that they can’t memorize in 3 listens.
Jake was the fierce defender.
“What are you talking about? This song is awesome!”
I think there was more to that but it was a long time ago so those are the only words based in fact that I can remember.
“It’s a grocery store song!” I replied (sort of, not word for word).
Thus was born the argument of ‘which is better; ‘More Than a Feeling’ or ‘Africa’?’, and for months I was on the side of Boston. I never had another song that made me feel so happy and whimsical!
But the more I heard ‘Africa’, and the more I attempted to actually understand the lyrics, the more I realized that Boston was seeing some tough competition. I tend to make everything a competition. In this case, they are tied neck and neck. Will either ever come out on top? Oh..I don’t know and frankly, I’m not concerned about that.
‘Africa’ really takes me back to the 80’s. It’s flamboyant in both style and comfort. It makes the gold and fur and diamonds and silks and perfect manicures feel...normal. There’s also a longing that I could relate to. It took me back to when I was a child and I used to dream about what it would feel like when I got older and longed to be a child again. That’s what we call meta-depression. It’s the depression with the highest suicide rate. But Toto knew what they were doing, as they also happen to be the cure. Goddamn brilliant.
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