Real Big Asses

02.13.14

 I have a huge ass. All my friends will tell you. If you've ever seen me onstage, then I'VE told you, but you may not have been listening. Because I have some "friends" that do that - don't listen, I mean. I'm pretty sure they have ADD because that's what I tell people that I have when I completely blank out on what they're saying all the time!

 Recently I went to watch the fantastic HBO show 'Girls' at a dear friend's house and she's addicted to reality t.v. so we had to watch a bit of 'Keeping Up With the Kardashians', which isn't as difficult as the show would lead you to believe. Pretty much the hardest part is dragging all that fucking camera equipment up 276 marble-coated stairs (they're marble coated because money's tight).

 Of course, whose ass should come into play but the two Kardashian sisters who have asses of which to speak. There was a lot of doubt in the room as to whether or not their asses were 'real', to which I replied "haha, yeah; real expensive!". Then we all 'oooo'd like an Oprah crowd, high-fived, then sipped on our cosmopolitans.

 We didn't do that. Thankfully. I love those women but if that was how we spent those evenings I'd drink the nail polish remover.

 Instead, we contemplated, we questioned, we sought the truth and in the end, my dear friend made some pretty compelling arguments;

1. Only two of the 17 Kardashian children have plump, round, bodacious booties; mysterious, right? What happened to the other 23 offspring? Where are their asses?
2. My dear friend has a series of 'before and after' shots that she assured us would solidify her conspiracy theory.

 With all that talk of asses, my mind felt like it was encased in silicone, which is as comfortable as it sounds. But it turns out I was smoking weed so I stopped feeling so poetic about it.

 What's important is, big asses are the shit. But even if you don't have a big ass, you still use it to shit. We all do. And that doesn't make it any less beautiful. Please take care and clean your beautiful ass, even if it says 'self cleaning' on the package.