A Few of My Least Favorite Things (i.e. Inspirations)

02.17.14

 Mini Vans
 Growing up, mini vans were a staple of the family who just knew they had to accept their place in life. There would be no 4x4 or Dodge Durango (family edition) for them, for their poverty-level pay wouldn't afford them beyond a vehicle who's biggest selling point is you can force a child into the back seat and - with a little DIY gumption - build a sound-proof barrier that could carry you across the country knowing everyone would get to live to tell about it.
 But they also carry another reality; eternity. This is what you will drive for, literally, the rest of your life. Why? Because you soon realize that this mini van not only suits the needs of your ever growing family, but inspires that little voice in you that says "run.....run the fuck away now and they'll be able to talk about you in therapy with faint recollection and waning sincerity". It's inspiring; it makes you feel that no matter what, there's an escape.
 I see things differently.
 I see a vehicle that can sub for a boat, and that's not healthy. Any person who's had that vision has likely driven their car into a lake with their children inside. Not out of spite, but out of necessity. And then they blamed a black dude and the news bought it. So to combat postpartum depression and the struggle against racism, I choose not only to not purchase or drive a mini van, but I also choose not to have children & retain this border-line-phobic fear of the auto industries least cool vehicle design.

Stick Figure Window Decals 
 As a dear friend of mine once said "I'll never have any of those window decals on my vehicle because I don't want serial killers to know how many people they will have to murder" (that is from my dear friend Rishika. She's hilarious. You should follow her on twitter. You can find her on my twitter, @AmeriKaleena, and she'll be the only Rishika, that I know of).
 Rishika was not without her point, and it is a very good one, but it's not what makes these stickers so frightening to me.
 On the contrary, I'm afraid I would pray for that serial killer so I didn't have to soil my family's good name.
 I'm not against families, really. I'm against advertising that you have one. Why do I need to know that? Why does anyone? Isn't it enough that during any sports season, I have a good idea of who your children are, what sports team number they wear and whether or not they're heading to state? Just so we're clear, yes, that should be enough!
 I also fear that my approval of any forms of sticker decal families will equal pregnancy. You know when people try to make light of multiple pregnancies with the quip, "haha, don't drink the water!". I never drink the water. Never. If I come into contact with three pregnant women in one town, I will vomit any water I've drank that day and take two RUB-40's (I don't think that's right, but I like the idea that RUB is in the name of a pill that ends pregnancy. It's like a genie lamp, get it?). I don't fucking play when it comes to growing another human being inside my own body.
 In conclusion, sticker family decals are great for serial killers, hell on those of us who are trying to be fiscally and environmentally responsible.

Baby Announcements
 We are in an age of cleverness. It's everywhere. People are coming out with cakes, announcing their weddings while volunteering in the trenches of a third-world during its civil war, posting dog photos with the dogs dressed as people! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! You'll have to give me a minute; that last one always kills me!
 Phew! Oh my.....haha....hahahaha..ahhh....
 And of course, there are the baby announcements.
 These were already weird, to me. For one, telling anyone about a pregnancy within its first three months is a black-cloud over the whole thing. It's bad luck. It's the one bad-luck thing I hold on to. That and eating an apple before sunrise.
 They're also very weird. When a couple announces "they're" pregnant;
 Which, okay, I'm going to side-track - we're pregnant? Where's your fetus, dude? Yeah, it's technically your sperm that made this possible (supposedly) but she's the one who's got this thing in her for 9 months - 6 at the least - and you're going to take any credit? In a lot of states, if you ditched out, you wouldn't have to pay child support b/c it's not worth it to a state run mostly by men, to chase down their hero! So until you correct that injustice, how about "She's pregnant and I helped but not as much as I should have and I will not take praise for the hell she's about to bear", as a subject for such an announcement?
 Also, I don't hate men. If you're responsible and you love her and blah blah blah...congratulations on not being able to love another human that you didn't create, I guess.
 I digress...
 I recently saw an announcement in a time-line like the husband was filling his wife's ever-growing belly with air from a tire-pump and in the end - boom! A baby explodes from her! But the photos aren't very realistic when it comes to the birth. If that baby had had to come out of her belly, firstly, it would be bloody, messy and downright un-photogenic. Unless you're a med student and then you get off on that shit, you weirdo (thank you for your service).
 Second, a baby doesn't necessarily come from a woman's belly! What lesson do these photos teach children? That having a baby is a beautiful, wonderful and painless experience. It's downright irresponsible.

These are just a few of my pet peeves that plague the town I live in because it's small, boring, and infested with families. Regardless, we're surviving. Thank you all for the support and letters of encouragement. They are greatly appreciated.